By Jamila Jones, LCPC — Founder of Reclaiming Minds Therapy and Wellness
For many of us, especially as Black women, the relationship with our mother is layered. Sacred, yes. But also strained, silent, and sometimes deeply painful.
Some of us carry grief that has no grave. Others are still waiting for the apology that never came. And in between those extremes is a quiet ache or a longing to be seen, nurtured, and held in ways our mothers may have never been able to offer.
This is the essence of the mother wound.
And if you’ve ever felt it deep in your body, in your relationships, in your self-talk you’re not alone.
What Is the Mother Wound?
The mother wound refers to the emotional pain, patterns, or trauma that come from unmet needs in our relationship with our mothers. It’s the part of us that learned to cope without softness. The part that still flinches when we get too close to nurturing. The voice inside that says:
“I have to do everything myself.”
“If I need too much, I’ll be disappointed.”
“Love isn’t safe. I have to earn it.”
Often passed down through generations, the mother wound isn’t about blame, it’s about awareness. It’s the recognition that our mothers, in all their complexity, passed on what they knew… but also what they hadn’t healed.
My Story: Resentment, Recognition, and Radical Acceptance
My own relationship with my mother wasn’t easy. There were early childhood wounds. For years, I carried resentment. I smiled through it, succeeded through it, but inside I was heavy with disappointment and unspoken grief. It wasn’t until I began my own healing journey that I started to ask different questions. Why am I so anxious? Why do I overfunction in relationships? Why do I still feel unsafe in stillness?
Those questions led me to the truth. And that truth led me back to my mother but this time, I saw her not just as the woman who raised me, but as a woman who had also survived. A woman with her own scars, stories, and limitations. And when I could finally accept her as she was not as I needed her to be we began to build something beautiful. Our connection became rooted in honesty, not performance. In grace, not expectation. Before she passed away, we had the kind of relationship I never thought possible. That’s why this work is sacred to me.
Outgrowing the Survival Self
Many of us had to become someone else to survive our mothers. Hyper-independent. Emotionally numb. Overachieving. Self-sacrificing. We learned how to shrink our needs, how to read a room before we read ourselves, how to survive emotionally unsafe environments. But that survival self? She’s not meant to lead your healing. Healing asks you to pause. To soften. To feel what you’ve buried and finally give yourself permission to want more.
What Healing the Mother Wound Can Look Like
This healing doesn’t happen in one conversation, one therapy session, or one Instagram post. It’s a layered, lifelong process. But it is possible. Here are some practices that may support you on the journey.
Name the Unmet Needs
Give language to what you didn’t receive. Not to blame but to acknowledge the truth you once silenced. “I needed safety. I needed someone to emotionally attune to me. I needed softness and presence.”
Separate the Fantasy from the Reality
Many daughters grieve the mother they wished they had, not just the one they actually did. Healing requires seeing clearly with compassion, not illusion. “She may never become who I hoped she’d be. But I can release the version of her I created to cope.”
Feel to Heal
Grief, anger, guilt, longing they all deserve space. Suppressing them keeps you stuck. Feeling them is how you move through. Try journaling, or somatic work/therapy practices to access what words alone can’t reach.
Practice Inner Reparenting
You can give yourself what your mother couldn’t. This isn’t betrayal, it’s liberation. Speak to your inner child with kindness. Offer her the care she longed for.
Honor the Complexity
You can love her and feel hurt by her. You can forgive her and still set boundaries. You don’t have to choose between loyalty and truth. Healing invites both.
Final Reflection
Healing the mother wound is not about fixing your mother, it’s about freeing yourself. It’s about no longer shrinking to maintain peace. It’s about seeing your mother in her full humanity and seeing yourself as worthy of healing, softness, and unconditional love. You are not too broken. You are not too late. You are not alone. You are allowed to outgrow the version of you that was built in survival. This is your invitation to begin again. To mother yourself. To reclaim your wholeness.
If this message resonates with you, I invite you to join my email list [https://bit.ly/Jointhelistjjoneslcpc] to be notified about my upcoming workshop: “Becoming the Healed Daughter: A Journey Through the Mother Wound.”
A sacred space for truth-telling, unlearning, and deep restoration.
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